I woke up last night to a bad dream.
Well, I guess I went to bed with it. It was hovering, I recognized it knocking on me and could not pin it down or Jedi mind trick it away. I thought sleep was the answer, to shut it down. Nope, sleep just gave it time to bubble up and spew forth in a stress night volcano. Ugh.
This past week during our group mentoring session we reviewed stress, matched to our Meyers Briggs type (Ms. Smart = ENTP). They asked how are you at your best? Your worse? What situations cause you to to go into those best and worse modes?
This week I got a big truckload of the "worse" situation inducers. I am fighting it but man I am stressed, over-wrought, overwhelmed, and not happy about it.I am being forced in a non-forceful company to use a performance evaluation program that I do not believe in. It will cause me so much more work and to what end? There is a self-evaluation portion that staff has to fill out and then discuss with me - why? This is going to cause conflict and tension and ruin good working relationships. I have to do the same with the assistant CEO. Why? It also has a section for me to rate and comment on my self in 8 categorizes with at least 6 items in each one. Plus the day to day goals to do my job. Anddddddd the fiscal year goals. And any personal goals. And if I rate myself better than the average I have to list point to prove my rating. Within the program are pre-written insincere messages too. I hate that shit. This is such a nightmare. No one asked the managers what they wanted, what would be helpful. This is so top-down and company is bottom-up. I do an excellent job and my goal is to strive for more of a work/life balance. This program is counter productive to my goal. This program is going to cause me a lot more work and make good relations, bad. I am so stressed over this. I feel sick about it. I also feel like I can not voice my feelings on it or I will labeled as not going with change. This change is not reasonable. This change is not helpful, it is harmful and stressful and way to detailed. I also have a problem doing things that I do not feel or believe in.
I have so much work to do already. I am short four staff members and now I am being forced to take on something else in a manner that does not fit my style of working or that I do not believe in. There is also punishment attached to this program. If I don't do it, I won't get a raise. This does not feel good. I am beside myself over this.I woke up at 3 AM last night and journaled 23 pages of venting to get it out of me. I listened to a meditation CD to get out of my misery and back to a smooth flow of being. Damn man. My tummy hurts.
I am going to have to talk with the CEO about this on Monday. This is too stressful to keep in. That is going to be one tough conversation, lots of disclaimers required. Send good juju my way - thanks.
I am gonna go walk this off today. Walking to Old Town Pasadena.